"...UNTO YOU YOUR DEEN AND UNTO ME MY DEEN"

Tolerance-Respecting the beliefs and opinions of others. Not judging. Being kind. Being sincere. These are the things that come to my mind when I think of tolerance. In the current world that we live in, we are constantly surrounded by people of different faiths and cultures than us and the best way to get along is through tolerance. I actually used to not like the world tolerance. I always felt that I didn’t need people to tolerate me because I’m different, just be respectful. Now though, I’ve come to the realization that the respect comes from them being tolerant. As Muslimeen, we are taught to be kind and respectful to all creatures, including those who do not share our faith. Unfortunately though, I think many people mix up tolerance and acceptance. 

Acceptance indicates that you agree with the person’s opinions or beliefs. Tolerance means, yes I might not agree, but I will still treat you with respect and allow you to do as you please as long as you’re not inhibiting me. As Muslims, especially those who live among non-Muslims, it is not appropriate for us to ridicule the faith of others or treat them in an ill-mannered way simply because of their faith. We must remember that Allah(SWT) has told us 

Say: O disbelievers! I worship not that which ye worship; Nor worship ye that which I worship. And I shall not worship that which ye worship. Nor will ye worship that which I worship.  Unto you your religion, and unto me my religion.” Q 109:1-6

Most Muslimeen probably have this sura memorized being that its one of the shortest, yet do we actually carry out it’s teaching? Yes we can and should be giving dawah to others but let’s try and remember that last line in the above surah-To you your religion, and to me mine. 

Interestingly though, the concept of tolerance does not only apply to individuals of different faiths but those within the same faith as well.  As Muslims, we’ve probably all encountered a fellow believer who is more observant than us or less observant or who doesn’t agree with everything that we do-there’s nothing wrong with realizing that. The question is how do we treat that person? Are we being tolerant? Are we being respectful of their opinions? There are some people who prefer not to deal with those who differ in opinion from them. My approach is different and mainly has a lot to do with my surroundings. I don’t expect people to agree with me on every religious thing, nor do I expect them to observe the way that I observe, though that would be ideal. I do not go out of my way to try to get people to accept the way I dress, to accept my decision to fully live by the Qur’an and Sunnah(and not by whims of society and the dunya), or to accept my opinions in general because at the end of the day, what I am doing only has an effect on them if they allow it to. I don’t have a problem explaining to people why I do the things I do but I do not and will not engage in a long conversation about about why I wear a jilbab or why I pray all the time if your only goal is to convince me as to why I’m wrong and not because you’re actually interested in my opinion. 

Outside of close friends, I don’t discuss religious matters with people, especially when it comes to matters of differing opinion. In these times, many people are quick to claim that you’re judging them simply because you mention something that their actions may not be in accordance with. Usually though, its their inner self that’s reacting. By you mentioning something that they are in defiance of, there’s a guilt that they feel and instead of admitting it, it’s easier to attack and label you as being judgemental. I learned this about myself a while ago. When someone is teaching you something about the deen, reflect first before claiming that they are passing judgement on you. Also, there is a difference between having a different opinion from someone because the AUTHENTIC religious sources and scholars have presented that opinion and simply differing because it doesn't align with your ideals, your culture or what you want for yourself. 

One of the things that Halima and I have both discussed numerous times is in regards to whether or not the religious opinions of others matter to us.  Essentially, we came to the conclusion that the only individual whose opinions and observance need to be in alliance with ours are essentially our spouses because ultimately, they will be the one that we will be spending the most time with, their beliefs and actions will have an influence on our kids, and they will also have an influence on us. Some people often wonder about immediate family and dealing with their tolerance and acceptance-this is actually a subject that we recently received in an email about from a reader. Halima and I have repeatedly stressed the importance of family and kinship ties in Islam and how essential they are. With that being said, your approach with dealing with family members who observe differently from you is very important. Both Halimah and I have a similar approach though hers is slightly different being that her family are non-Muslims while mine are Muslimeen.

CONSIDERATIONS WHEN DEALING WITH TOLERANCE OF RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES...

1. Do NOT constantly correct them or throw Islam in their face. There is no need to remind them that Easter has pagan origins or that Christmas is a holiday of shirk when they are embarking on their celebrations. There is no need to tell them that the food that they are eating is not halal or that didn’t pray tahajud last night. This does not mean that you shouldn't give dawah. If they initiate the conversation, by all means educate them, guide them. Just try and avoid giving advice about religious things when its unsolicited. It’s definitely hard at times though. It makes sense that when we see people that we care about headed towards the wrong path we want to guide them. It’s just better for them to come to us. I personally do not give dawah at all to my family. It is very easy for others to conceive your sincerity as you trying to be a know-it-all or you being judgmental. Unless I’m asked a question or a subject comes up, I don’t bring up religious things. I also make sure to not point out things that family members are doing that are haram. I do feel that, Islamically, this is incorrect as this deen is a deen of naseeha(advice) and we’re always supposed to be helping one another. I also don’t want to be complicit in the sin of others. However, I’ve decided that it creates less chaos to not mention the haram-ness of things unless my opinion is asked.
2. Don’t expect them to carry out things the way you think they should. You can’t expect them to understand why not engaging in shirk is important, or why they shouldn’t dress in a certain way, or why blasphemous jokes are inappropriate. You can’t expect them to value and understand the intensity of the deen. You can’t expect them to understand that its not ok for you to pick and choose what aspect of Islam to follow when it suits you.  This is something that’s really hard for me. Halima and I were recently talking about this and we agreed that for her it’s easier because, her family isn’t Muslim, therefore she can’t expect them to value tawheed, uphold appropriate gender interactions, or have ikhlass(sincerity) when it comes to the deen. For me though, its very difficult and very sad, thinking about it actually makes me cry.  Again, its difficult watching those you care about embark on the wrong path especially when they are perfectly ok with it and try to justify their actions with the concept that simply believing in Allah and fasting during Ramadan is good enough. This is actually something that I’ve discussed among reverts and non-reverts sisters and they all agree that when you’re a revert, yes you still pray for their guidance but its easy to just say to yourself ‘they aren't Muslim so that’s why they do xyz’. Within a Muslim family though, its difficult because you feel as if you should all be on the same page but you’re not. It sounds horrible, but there are definitely times where I’ve thought that the actions of many would be easier to digest and accept if they weren't Muslim because then you'd understand that their guidance is different from yours.
   
3. Don’t expect them to accept your beliefs and don’t feel that you have to accept theirs. This is where tolerance really comes in. We should always be respectful to others but that doesn’t mean we need to agree. They might not agree with you having a beard(brothers) or wearing jilbab or a niqab(sisters) but they shouldn’t ridicule you or constantly tell you to take it off. They might not agree with you praying five times or more a day or you fasting two days a week, that’s fine;they don’t need to agree, they just shouldn’t constantly nag you about it either. You might not agree with them not praying, or with them drinking but you shouldn’t be nagging them about it all the time either. Don't feel compelled to wish them 'happy Easter, Diwali, etc' and don't be upset when they don't tell you 'Eid Mubarak'. For me, I try to make it pretty clear what I will or will not engage in and I don’t like to make a big deal about it. My approach is essentially, do as you please as long as I am not involved. I find that this avoids a lot of headache and maintains peace. For instance, I only eat halal food but I do not expect my family to only buy or cook halal things, that would be favorable yes, but would lead to friction. Since I don’t expect them to only provide halal, I do not contribute my funds to food that is not halal, so if I'm out to dinner with a sibling and I’m treating, unless it’s a halal restaurant there will not be any meat ordered. If there is an event going on that includes haram, I might show up but I will not dress in a manner that does not fall within the guidelines of hijab and I will not engage in the haram aspects of the festivities. While some families might not like that, I find that its a good way to ensure that I am adhering to my deen and will not have deal with regret later on and also avoid unnecessary conflict.